Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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