I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
