why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
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