even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
