Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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