my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
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