Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
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Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
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