Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
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I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
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I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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