your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
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