I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
