am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
