Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
