Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
