Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
