guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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