I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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