Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
