i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
