I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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