That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
