We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
