Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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