I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
