If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
