I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
