cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
