he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
