im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
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I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
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