I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
As shirtless as possible
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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