Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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