I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
