I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
