saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
