try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
