i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
i've created a new STD.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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