I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
