The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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