Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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