Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
