Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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