It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
