My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
