9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Randomize
