I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
