Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Vodka?
Forever.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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