Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Randomize
