tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
