I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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