So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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