Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
