i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
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