At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
