The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
