i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
